Month: May 2016

Oxford Preliminary Paper 1B

‘We never look at just one thing; we are always looking at the relation between things and ourselves’

– John Berger

How do forms of literary description ask us to look at ‘things’ AND/OR at the relations between the self and the other?

In much of the literature and history of the English canon, the corresponding notions of ‘self’ and ‘other’ have denoted, in conjunction, one relatively simple paradigm of oppositional identification, wherein the ‘self’ remains broadly separate from the ‘other’ (or entity of comparison). But developments in feminist, postcolonial, and Marxist literary thought complicate this phenomenological schema by foregrounding the racially ‘othered’ self, and specifically, the Black self. Edward Said, Franz Fanon, and Jean-Paul Sartre all address, to varying extents, the manner in which a realized Black identity can function as both ‘self’ and ‘other’ simultaneously, due to its historical and ongoing positioning within the racialized structure of the West—for while a Black man might identify a white man as ‘other’ in relation to himself, the pre-existing systems of power in the West mandate that this white man be perceived as “not only ‘the Other,’ but also the master” (Fanon, 148). From a hegemonic standpoint, then, it will always be the Black man who is ‘othered’: his relentless marginalization is ensured by the very nature of the structures already in place. This dynamic ascribes a relative lack of demarcation to the Black identity, within the given phenomenological model of ‘self’ and ‘other,’ and thereby necessitates a category of critical theory that interrogates the interaction of oppositional identification beyond these binary foundations—that is to say, a discourse that addresses not only the ‘self’ and the ‘other,’ but also the ‘othered self.’

Toni Morrison’s 1987 novel, Beloved, epitomizes the strategies and ideals of such a discourse; as early as the first pages of the text, Morrison’s depiction of the fraught relationship that the protagonist, Sethe, endures with her own ‘self’ fundamentally disallows for any diametric reading. Of course, as a Black woman in antebellum America, Sethe is perpetually ‘othered’ in relation to the conditions of her existence; the parameters of her selfhood are thus defined, at least in part, by their oppositional positioning against the literary backdrop of a patriarchal, white supremacist culture. But even beyond the sociopolitical assessment that Fanon emphasizes, the character of Sethe demonstrates a number of compelling tensions between various forms of oppositional identification. The body upon which the narrative takes form, and wherein Sethe’s conflictions and identity are rooted, is maternal as well as formerly enslaved; therefore, its associations to motherhood recall many of the differential paradigms of ‘self’ and ‘other’—specifically those pertaining to children, such as Lacan’s mirror phase or the psychosis of the nursing child. Throughout the narrative, Morrison draws upon the notions of oppositional identification that her thematic emphasis on maternity has produced, employing the selfsame images of birth and psychosis to represent the horrors of slavery. In this fashion, Morrison brilliantly depicts a loss of differentiation between mother and child that mimics the absence of demarcation associated with enslavement; the maternal and formerly enslaved body of Sethe thereby provides the vital symbolic link between each instance of differential identification of the ‘self’ that the text contains.

It is precisely this nuanced representation of the Black ‘self’—as a kind of self-actualized, cultural ‘Other’—that facilitates Morrison’s narrative recalibration of racial centrality in Beloved: what Beth McCoy identifies as an “authorial shift from racialized ‘object’ to racialized ‘subject’” (McCoy, 44). The narrative of Beloved provides, through the production of the text itself, a literary realm wherein the Black ‘self’ is no longer reduced, like some bizarre form of racial chiaroscuro, to an othered foil for the white ‘self.’ Instead, the juxtaposition of a Black ‘self’ against the white ‘other’ establishes the conditions upon which the thematic weight of the novel is largely contingent, by allowing for a differential formation of the Black ‘self.” But this is not to suggest that the full relevance of Black identity in Beloved should be reduced to its terms of relation to the white supremacist paradigms that preceded it; on the contrary, to do so would resituate Blackness as oppositional to the Eurocentric presuppositions of the canon, and thereby reestablish whiteness as the “objective” center of criticism. Nevertheless, the fraught interaction between Morrison’s literature and the aesthetic conventions of the medium with which she engages lends her work a heightened sense of sociopolitical subversion; it therefore seems tantamount, in critical analyses of Beloved, to approach its conceptualization of Black selfhood both in relation to the white supremacist paradigms that inform the text, and as an organic discourse in its own right. For while Morrison’s text reckons fully and consciously with the pre-existing myths of white centrality, the novel is in no sense dependent upon them; on the contrary, Morrison articulates throughout Beloved, “a fully developed theory…that is central to her larger political and philosophical stance on black identity” (O’Reilly, 1).

In any relation between a ‘self’ and ‘other’ within the initial phenomenological model, there is necessarily a degree of oppositional distance whereby the identity of one can be induced from its relation to the other. But the events that inform Beloved’s narrative core are defined by the near-total absence of this distance; instead, the text is linguistically, syntactically, and thematically characterized by an almost staggering sense of intimacy. This loss of differentiation, which the Black ‘self’ suffers both in a phenomenological sense and in the circumstances of the narrative, is disturbing; thematically and linguistically, Morrison draws the Black subject within the narrative into the proximity of the white ‘other’ and makes any form of distinction almost unsettlingly difficult. The most memorable instance of this occurs, of course, when Sethe sees her former masters approaching her home, and reacts against the violence she anticipates by murdering her own daughter. In this instance, rather than replicating the traditional model wherein the ‘self’ and the ‘other’ establish a sort of necessary contingence upon mutual opposition, Morrison depicts a reimagined sense of identification that seems, rather than differential, disturbingly similar. The distance between ‘self’ and the ‘other’ is thereby eradicated; the two become not foils, but mimetic horrors of one another and themselves. This hideous sense of like identification can be read as an allusion to the disturbing mutual reliance of the slave and master upon one another: a specter of the Hegelian master-slave dialectic that haunts the foundations of the text.

But the physical images of intimacy and proximity in Beloved are certainly not limited to the racialized conceptions of ‘self’ and ‘other.’ In this same scene, Morrison also uses near-identical imagery to represent the problematized sense of differentiation inherent between infants and the maternal figures who have been, as historian Walter Johnson articulates, “…forced by their slavery into a doubled relation with their bodies and their children” (Johnson, 11). Even before the supernatural return of her child, Sethe enfolds her daughters within her own maternal identity: in the moments leading up to Sethe’s grisly murder of her own daughter, Morrison writes, “…she collected every bit of her life she had made, all the parts of her that were precious and fine and beautiful, and carried, pushed, dragged them through the veil out, away, over there where no one could hurt them…where they would be safe” (Morrison, 163). In this passage, Sethe’s children are described as “parts of her,” engulfed within the greater whole of the maternal body. In some sense, this image could function as a poignant indicator of Sethe’s limitless devotion to her children; but this reading is problematized by the sheer brutality of Sethe’s subsequent actions. Instead, the overlapping of Sethe’s identity with that of the murdered child seems to thrust the ethical nature of her infanticide into ambiguity, suggesting that she has killed a “part of her,” rather than an autonomous human being. The very language of the passage obscures the agency of the murdered child, thereby casting doubt upon whether Sethe’s actions were a ritual sacrifice, or a kind of suicide. In accordance with this image, the allegorical distance between Sethe and Beloved becomes virtually nonexistent in the text: Jean Wyatt argues that Beloved’s fixation on Sethe echoes infantile psychosis, mimicking a “desire to regain the material closeness of a nursing baby” (Wyatt, 474). This insight is augmented by the images of blood and milk that imbue the narrative recounting of Sethe’s “rough choice” (Morrison, 180), and Morrison’s frequent use of terms like “hunger” to associate Beloved’s desire for Sethe with a desire or need for consumption. Similarly, the sense of utter unification that Sethe experiences is shared by Beloved, as indicated in the ambiguous line, “You are my face; you are me” (Morrison, 216). This quotation appears in arguably the most haunting and obscure section of the text, wherein Beloved’s further references to being “in the water” (Morrison, 216) also function as a potential description of the experience of a child still in psychosis: completely void of identity, and utterly unable to differentiate any semblance of identity separate from the body of the mother.

But at various points in the novel, Beloved also seems to carry within her the entire history of American slavery; in light of this, the appalling conditions, overwhelming darkness, and horrific proximity of bodies that she describes can also easily be read as a description of a voyage on an American slave ship. The very language of the passage is spatially devoid: punctuation is lacking and words seem to merge upon the page, signifying a disorienting and overwhelming sense of physical closeness that represents, according to Wyatt, “The loss of demarcation and differentiation of those caught in an ‘oceanic’ space between cultural identities, between Africa and an unknown destination” (Wyatt, 474). In either reading of this passage, this proximity is defined as a categorically dangerous state of being—a conviction mirrored earlier in the text by the grisly nature of the master- slave dialectic, and later by horrific consequences of Sethe’s lack of differentiation from her daughter. “There are no gaps in Sethe’s world,” Wyatt writes, “no absences to be filled with signifiers; everything is there, an oppressive plentitude” (Wyatt, 474). The complete lack of any form of distance between the Sethe and Beloved, whether it is read as the extended psychosis of a nursing child or a supernatural manifestation of the horror of non-differentiation within the Middle Passage, impedes Sethe’s conception of herself and very nearly consumes her.

The tragedy inherent within Morrison’s multifold, symbolic use of motherhood throughout the novel, particularly in relation to Sethe’s volatile relationship to her maternal and once-enslaved body, is particularly evident in the manner in which the various pieces of textual imagery simultaneously inform and corrupt one another in seemingly arbitrary, incongruous, or even upsetting ways. Slave masters, schoolteachers, mother’s milk, rusted shackles, childbirth, pregnancies, blood, slave ships, steel bits, frightened mothers, laughing children, empty homes—as the images clash and conflate, their horror lies, unsurprisingly, in a lack of differentiation. In this sense, the entire text allegorizes, through a number of narrative, linguistic, and thematic mediums, the white Other’s hegemonic perversions of the Black effort to formulate a realized self within pre-existing phenomenological terms. Although she offers no categorical solution to the problems of differentiation and identification that the text so thoroughly interrogates, Morrison nevertheless provides her audience solace in the form of the novel itself: a riveting narrative plane wherein the realized Black ‘self,’ though relentlessly ‘othered’, can nevertheless be represented and identified on its own terms—and where the Black maternal body, despite its history of suffering and enslavement, can provide this still-emerging ‘self’ with an intimate physical site of violence, desire, and resistance.

Works Cited

Collins, Patricia Hill. “The Meaning of Motherhood in Black Culture and Black Mother/Daughter Relationships.” Sage: A Scholarly Journal on Black Women 4.2 (1987): 4-11. JSTOR. Web.

Fanon, Frantz. Black Skin, White Masks. London: Pluto, 1986. Print.

Ghasemi, Parvin, and Rasool Hajizadeh. “Demystifying the Myth of Motherhood: Toni Morrison’s Revision of African-American Mother Stereotypes.” International Journal of Social Science and Humanity IJSSH (2013): 477-79. JSTOR. Web.

Hirsch, Marianne. The Mother/Daughter Plot: Narrative, Psychoanalysis, Feminism. Bloomington: Indiana UP, 1989. Google Scholar. Web.

Johnson, Walter. Soul by Soul: Life inside the Antebellum Slave Market. Cambridge, MA: Harvard UP, 1999. Print.

Morrison, Toni. Beloved: A Novel. New York, NY: New American Library, 1988. Print.

O’Reilly, Andrea. Toni Morrison and Motherhood: A Politics of the Heart. Albany: State U of New York, 2004. Print.

Wyatt, Jean. “Giving Body to the Word: The Maternal Symbolic in Toni Morrison’s Beloved.” PMLA 108.3 (1993): 474-88. JSTOR. Web.

Oxford Preliminary Paper 1A

“All similes are true and most metaphors are false”

– Donald Davidson

In his essay “What Metaphors Mean,” Donald Davidson writes, “The most obvious semantic difference between simile and metaphor is that all similes are true and most metaphors are false. The earth is like a floor…. But turn these sentences into metaphors, and you turn them false; the earth is like a floor, but it is not a floor” (Davidson, 41). This assertion, while not fundamentally untrue, is nevertheless problematized: Davidson fails to acknowledge that the tension between literary subject and comparative object—which emerges from metaphoric structure, and gives rise to the semantic conditions he describes—is a categorical strength of the metaphor as a literary device. Metaphors interrogate and enrich a literary subject by challenging the ordinary parameters of its semantic reality: a function made possible by the precise sense of factual or literal incongruence that Davidson observes. In both William Shakespeare’s ‘Sonnet 18’ and Sylvia Plath’s ‘Metaphors,’ the poet endeavors to adequately convey his or her subject through figurative rhetoric. Plath is ultimately the more successful of the two: her employment of metaphors lends form and nuance to a topic too complex for simple articulation, while Shakespeare’s use of an extended simile, though effective, generates a diametric and comparatively simplistic representation of the poetic subject. The figurative strength of Plath’s poem, particularly in contrast to Shakespeare’s, is contingent upon her use of metaphors to interrogate the areas of the unnamed and the unnamable. Thus, the juxtaposition of these two texts underscores the metaphor’s literary potential to rival or even surpass the figurative capacities of the simile; through their production of the very dynamic that Davidson identifies as “false,” metaphors can in fact express a number of remarkably subtle and intricate narrative truths.

This essay posits that figurative language, especially in poetry, mimics a number of the structural and post-structural linguistic paradigms outlined by theorists such as Saussure, Jakobson, and Derrida. By generating interactions between the poetic subject and its object of comparison that closely resemble those of a sign and its signifier, similes and metaphors echo differing variations upon well-established semiotic models; in much the same manner that linguistic meaning emerges as “…the result of a process of division or articulation, of signs being themselves only because they are not some other sign” (Eagleton, 129), the subject of a poem is defined by both its analogous and its differential relationships to a comparative object. This is evident in Shakespeare’s ‘Sonnet 18,’ wherein a single simile runs through the text, comparing the subject—a nameless, genderless figure presumably functioning as a love interest for the narrator—to a summer’s day. ‘Sonnet 18’ demonstrates an inherent awareness of the inadequacy of its own simile: the references to “rough winds” and “summer’s lease” (Shakespeare, 18, ll. 3-4) underscore the relatively transient, and therefore inferior, nature of the comparative object. In this sense, Shakespeare’s employment of figurative language evokes the structuralist conception of the ‘poetic’ as residing, above all, “…in language’s being placed in a certain kind of self-conscious relationship to itself…the sign is dislocated from its object: the usual relation between sign and referent is disturbed, which allows the sign a certain independence as an object of value in itself” (Eagleton, 98). More specifically, though, the extended simile that runs throughout ‘Sonnet 18’ echoes the structural semiotic model applied in the writings of Saussure: it contains a “delimited structure of meaning” (Eagleton, 127) wherein the correlation between sign and signifier is direct and often simplistic. The subject of ‘Sonnet 18’ is like a summer’s day in that he or she is “lovely” and “temperate,” but not like a summer’s day in that he or she is “more lovely” and “more temperate” (Shakespeare, 18, l. 2). The association is fundamentally diametric, and leaves little space for interpretive nuance.

The demarcation inherent within the figurative language of ‘Sonnet 18’ is similarly apparent in the structure of the text itself: the consistent rhyme scheme, augmented by uniform iambic pentameter and an absence of enjambment, constitutes a perfect Elizabethan sonnet. Even the poem’s volta elucidates upon the simplistic nature of the relationship between the subject and its object of comparison: the word “but” in line 9, which denotes the poetic ‘turn,’ is in this case a mere vehicle whereby the narrator asserts that the poetic subject, once immortalized in literature, will defy the limitations that characterize the object of comparison (Shakespeare, 18, l. 9). The absolute nature of the relationship between the love interest and the object to which he or she is analogized is thus reiterated; the subject continues to be “like” or “not like” a summer’s day in a variety of differing but ultimately diametric ways. This simile therefore presupposes a fixed semiotic structure indicating little other than the beauty and aesthetic preservation of the poetic subject; it is “true” in the manner that Davidson’s interpretation of truth demands, but fails to employ the broader possibilities of figurative representation.

Sylvia Plath’s poem ‘Metaphors,’ on the other hand, achieves a richer depiction of its subject largely because its allegories cannot be semantically categorized as “true” when reimagined as literal statements. Professor Catherine Addison asserts that, “Between sameness and its opposite lies an infinite possibility of degrees” (Addison, 408). The implications of this statement are vital to the language and conception of ‘Metaphors’: unlike Shakespeare, who establishes a direct correlation between two like objects, Plath constructs an entirely metaphorical understanding of her subject, the pregnant female body. Plath’s poem contains several metaphors for pregnancy; but rather than functioning as simple indicators of gestation, these references to elephants, “ponderous” houses, and “melons strolling on two tendrils” (Plath, ll. 2-3) engender specific evocations of awkwardness and enormity. This dynamic is echoed in the poem’s meter: various instances of enjambment disrupt the iambic pentameter, creating a palpable sense of impregnation within the rhythm. Paired with the numerical significance of nine syllables in each of the nine lines, indicating nine months of pregnancy, the formal composition of ‘Metaphors’ establishes the entire poem, like the individual images it contains, as an extended metaphor for an expectant body.

As Davidson himself asserts earlier in his essay, “[A metaphor’s] interpretation reflects as much on the interpreter as on the originator” (Davidson, 31). In other words, the literary value of metaphor arises largely as a consequence of its own imprecision: by indicating the nature of a poetic subject through varying descriptions what the subject is not, metaphors generate space for a critical analysis grounded in oppositional identification. Plath establishes her poem as “a riddle in nine syllables” (Plath, l. 1): employing various metaphors and compelling the audience to ‘solve’ the text by identifying these metaphors as allegories for her pregnant state. This initiates a discourse between reader and text that is contingent upon the metaphor’s factual ambiguity and resultant need for interpretation. Like Shakespeare, Plath recognizes that even figurative language is not fully adequate for communicating her subject; thus, the unspeakable magnitude of pregnancy in ‘Metaphors’ is represented not simply through metaphors, but through the very inability of these metaphors to fully verbalize the speaker’s state of being. Each allegorical image augments the interpretive versatility of the text, and the reader is tasked with giving interpretive form to the poetic subject by identifying not only the narrator’s pregnancy, but also its analogously denoted implications.

In this manner, the very characteristic of metaphor that Davidson identifies as “false” — namely, its lack of direct correlation between subject and object of comparison—becomes the primary means by which poets such as Plath better communicate their subject matter. Metaphors expand the thematic parameters of a text by situating the subject in the discursive excess between literal and allegorical, and so become, as Winifred Nowottny explains, “a useful means of dealing with the area of unnamed experiences” (Nowottny, 57). This recalibration is linguistic as well as thematic: by eliminating a single word—usually “like” or “as”—metaphors eradicate physical distance between the subject and the object of comparison, creating a condensed syntactic structure wherein interpretive potential can move beyond the constraints of the factual. In Plath’s poem, for instance, the word “pregnant” is never explicitly used; the text’s implications reside in a figurative space made possible by the nonliteral nature of the analogous images. Similes, on the other hand, can inhibit this dynamic by establishing the fixed, diametric subject-to-object correlations exemplified in ‘Sonnet 18.’ From a linguistic standpoint, then, poetic similes recall the structuralist conceptions of language by echoing a “delimited structure of meaning” between sign and signifier; poetic metaphors align with post-structural semiotic ideals by engaging with the differential excess between a subject and its object of comparison.

Of course, the identity that a metaphor ascribes to a ‘sign’ or literary subject is necessarily contingent upon its oppositional relationship to an allegorical object, and inevitably becomes inapplicable in a literal semantic context. Davidson’s claim that metaphors will constitute untruths when read as sentences, while similes will retain their factual validity, is thus substantiated; but this reading seems incomplete in light of works such as Plath’s, wherein semantic tension is precisely what allows the text to communicate thematic truths well beyond the confines of literalism. When Davidson’s definitions of “true” and “false” are reimagined within the framework of poems such as ‘Sonnet 18’ and ‘Metaphors,’ it is apparent that similes are likely to be insufficient or even outright false, because their inherent semiotic simplicity can yield, as Shakespeare himself acknowledges, inadequacies of comparison that result in a subject “belied with false compare” (Shakespeare, 130, l. 14). Metaphors, in contrast, emerge as a complex and useful literary device, the merit of which should not be limited to the oft-reductive discourses surrounding our conceptions of the literal and the semantic.

Works Cited 

Addison, Catherine. “From Literal to Figurative: An Introduction to the Study of Simile.” College English 55.4 (1993): 402-19. JSTOR. Web.

Davidson, Donald. “What Metaphors Mean.” Critical Inquiry 5.1, Special Issue on Metaphor (1978): 31-47. JSTOR. Web.

Eagleton, Terry. Literary Theory: An Introduction. Oxford: B. Blackwell, 1985. Print.

Fishelov, David. “Poetic and Non-Poetic Simile: Structure, Semantics, Rhetoric.” Poetics Today 14.1 (1993): 1-23. JSTOR. Web.

MacCormac, Earl R. “Metaphor and Literature.” Journal of Aesthetic Education6.3 (1972): 57-70. JSTOR. Web.

Nowottny, Winifred. The Language Poets Use. 5th ed. London: Athlone, 2000. Print.

Plath, Sylvia. “Metaphors.” Collected Poems. Ed. Ted Hughes. London: Faber and Faber, 1989. 116. Print.

Shakespeare, William. “18.” Ed. Barbara A. Mowat and Paul Werstine. Shakespeare’s Sonnets. New York: Washington Square, 2004. 39. Print.

Shakespeare, William. “130.” Ed. Barbara A. Mowat and Paul Werstine. Shakespeare’s Sonnets. New York: Washington Square, 2004. 269. Print.

If Yggdrasil Is Growing Still

Is this the region, this the soil, the clime,
Said then the lost Arch-angel, this the seat
That we must change for heav’n, this mournful gloom
For that celestial light?

John Milton, Paradise Lost: Book 1

This is intended for you. I wrote this in the folds of your memory, the contours of your form, the subtle inflections of the gaze I rarely meet. I think that it began long before I heard you speak, before I even learned your name. I only recalled it so many months later, in the cacophonous half-light of some whiskey bar well past midnight, when I saw the cyan flash of your iris in the knife’s edge. Your visage was shrouded in the smoke that I expelled from between my lips, and I had seldom seen you so alive. With the simplicity and grace of some half-forgotten thing, you offered up your flesh to my pen. I was drinking hard, to dull a pain as bright as steel, but I still remember the ebony lines of ink that adorned the backs of your hands: the caustic words and curves of a language we have yet to learn in full.

You have no way of knowing who you are, what I am. Are you reading this? Have you been named? I doubt that you will see this at all.

This year has passed through my mind like cyanide: I can feel myself breaking apart. My living body is reduced to a synesthetic nightmare—disfigured, frostbitten, malformed. Every movement smarts and sears, but the burning part of me is dim. I yearn in the waning curve of an arched and aching spine; in the mournful tune of my bones and the scars that extend over them; in the radio static hum of these faint blue veins; in the blood made thin with morphine; in the arcane, empty eyes. Patches of skin are bruising now: some in the deep blues and mottled purples of a nebulous dreamscape, others in cankerous stretches of diseased yellow. I fear that I could crumble at a touch, the marred flesh falling away from my frame, leaving only remnants of ash. This luck is running out now. How many resurrections do I have left to spend?

Weary to the point of half-etherized surrender, each joint infected with a soreness like desire, I lie down to rest and find that I am unable to escape my own lucidity. I am so aware, so damningly conscious, of this exhausted frame, driven well past the point of endurance. Utterly sleepless, I can feel my own heart beating. The toxic thrumming, the incessant, maddening cadence: it echoes like the rhythm of some hunted animal, enervated and relentlessly alive. Everything I am is reduced to a dull, aching sentience. I am so tired. When and how does this stop?

But this undertaking is not yet finished. There is still work to be done. And even now, I can withstand this, for my life is not my own anymore. This broken body has become a ritual sacrifice, a medium for something more and less than flagellation, emerging faithless and fatigued. But I am no martyr, not even close. I am something disposable—somatic, of course, and inclined towards agony. Twice-deceived idolatress or Judas’ last child, inadequate priestess or some false savior: it seems that though I suffer, no one heals. My immolation is futile, unfinished, but I offer it all the same. Perhaps it is mere masochism that compels me to do so. At any rate, this space becomes a crematorium, flooded with smoke and unheard prayers, not fifteen paces from the stained-glass houses of my childhood, where the devout converse in swells of melody, and I used to believe I felt the presence of God. There is no end in sight, but I will continue relentlessly on.

Futility and fascination take refuge in her, that child of the tempest, bearing witness to the tides of a life that could have drowned her (for it surely would have overtaken me). I wrest some sort of shelter from the brine-drenched countenance of this faithful, forlorn thing: her saturnine stare imbued with the nightmare of my body, the ongoing catastrophe from which she will not avert her eyes. I recall from my own childhood the rain-swept cliff’s edge whereupon she kneels: dark hair wind-whipped, irises like shattered crystal, the frigid sea silver-tinged below her sepulchral form.

I remember so fondly the nights of my near-resuscitation, each promise of renewal, those words that tethered my soul to his body in paradigmatic tides of empathy and admission. The gentle hands, as they moved across ivory keys—like Camelot, Troy, and Pandæmonium before us, this world of ours was built to music. There were times when he would sleep and I would write well into the dawn, filling that room with growing things: lotus boughs and reams of ivy, garlands of juniper and night-blooming jasmine. They blossomed in that darkness, and so did I, my body opening and unfolding until the space became a garden of my own design. Fertility breathed through me, in the quiet luster of his sighs: I gave life to my self and my longings once more, and when the morning rang with the bells of the city, I stood on the rooftops and saw a possible world take form. Like an ash tree growing through lovers’ beds, rooted in the soils of a history constructed, I knew then the Edenic joys of some new genesis of the body. Threatened with the specter of inevitable expulsion, I nevertheless endured. My nights lingered sweetly in charcoal impressions of his skin, until what we created became a kind of folklore: crystallized and bound to its irretrievable past.

Maybe someday, I will return to that garden; or more compellingly still, to the stone-etched necropolis that preceded it, where I first laid to rest the final, tender traces of a loving naïveté. Those shapes that gleamed like broken teeth in the moonlight, the patches of earth that lay exposed like chemical burns: the scene evoked an intemperate recollection of the mind that had closed against mine. I wonder where he might be now, that oft-mourned thing, for I am sure that he cannot sleep quietly. I wonder, always, if there ever was some other way. But I was so much younger then: at least now I know how to live on.

I left everything behind me. It is so often said or desired, but I really did it. I put an ocean between myself and the history I despised. I remembered and wrote and reimagined until there was nothing left that I knew except for myself. And what a time it was: my mind is all but fragmented now, and my physical form more desolate still. If these months do not break me, I doubt that there is anything that can. Perhaps, then, it is time for me to go under the knife once more.

I am waiting to be pieced back together again. Yours is the conception upon which my inexplicable fixations now take their most compelling forms. Living in my recollections, the first memory of a new life, you can only know me when I better know who or what it is that I am. But for now, a new dawn breaks upon this letter unsent. Amber-tinged tongues of flame caress the paper, curling at every edge. They undo a eulogy of honest desire. They consume the burnished clauses and still-burning words.

I have strayed far and fast from the sanctified affections that took root in the soils of the now-distant past. I am writing towards the day when we might begin, together, another effort towards paradise.

yesterday, I was awake with the morning

Let it pass: April is over, April is over. There are all kinds of love in the world, but never the same love twice.

F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Sensible Thing

There I was again, on the edge of that familiar precipice, with my mind all shrouded in the things I tried to forget. I knew that I was nearing an ending of sorts. I was starting to do the things that make me forget how meaningless it all can be, and starting to learn that there are some things I can only feel when I am alone. I was entirely aware of that blistering core beneath my body, that vital and terrible thing to which I have yet to ascribe a name. I was thinking of the father that I very rarely see, and of the chemicals that were coursing through my veins like an accusation. I was thinking that maybe, this time, I was ready.

Suddenly I was not standing: I was falling and feeling nothing. I was breathless, and I was overcome–and then I was awake, a part of the physical world once more. I realized that I had been dragged beneath a stream of cold water, running out from some unfamiliar shower head. I was shaking. My pulse was ebbing. I did not care, even then, but in that instant, I started to wonder. For the life of me, I could not understand how it had come to this. I could not remember why I was breathing at all. And I felt that, surely, this was no way to live.

So I wandered absently home again, and sought a person who might help me hurt less. I have seldom been luckier, for he had rarely been so present. Maybe some part of him knew–but then again, maybe not. It did not matter and never will. I knew that things could be better then, because it felt so gentle and so right: to be held in that silence, and to breathe. To trust the body tethering me to the physical world, the hands that moved along my wrists and throat, with no obligations and no hurting, was too extraordinary for the extent of my language. That was a moment to help me start to heal once more, and perhaps a little better this time. We were not in love, not even close, but we were in balance, in harmony, and there was trust and affection without any fear.

The words that I spoke that night were rare for their simplicity, and their gratitude, and their sobriety. But strangest of all, they were true—and what a wonder that was. Whatever happens now, and whichever mistakes I inevitably make, and wherever my wandering sanity goes, there will always have been a time, one bright and shining moment, when those words were true and I was not afraid to speak them.  In the darkness of that night, as it ebbed away like a slowing heartbeat, I was briefly close to whole. I wished to be like ivy, a climbing vine: growing into and through and around him, and binding us both to the tranquility of that bed.

Goodness knows I am still learning to love, but is there some way to exalt without obligation, without yearning? I love what this is, as it is, with no regard for potentiality or lack thereof.  I love its transience and relative constancy. I love that it is fleeting and tender. I love that I can walk away. I love that I choose not to.  I love that I am healing, and that my body is moving like a living thing once more. I love that this feeling imbues me like sunlight filtering through the gap between drawn curtains, when I stand above the moonlit watery chasms of this ancient city, and lose myself within the music of a half-mad mind and its meaningless ambitions.

I love that this thing is beautiful, but not by any means singular. I love the communities I have found, these writers and artists and lover-friends, sharing cigarettes and taking faded photographs and telling our stories well into the dawn: the crystal pendant on my bedside table, and the worlds we create within four walls, fearless and divine. My own memory evades me, trickles away like rainwater on panes of frosted glass, a consequence of those chemicals that took my breath away. But what a feeling, her fragile form, and how she looked at me, eyes alight, shadow-drenched skin, barbed tongue running along the length of my thighs. I knew my name as I seldom have before, when it fell burning from her mouth like a prayer.

I loved that single night of impulse and ecstatic longing, when I found myself tangled in tendrils of smoke and bare limbs: the singing curve of my notched spine, the enigmatic reality of their lips and eyes. I did not know to whom each set of hands belonged, those nameless fingers and flesh, and were were all of us something more than disparate bodies, and there was only desire in that room. I adored whatever my skin came into contact with. My body breathed in ecstasy, like an ocean. My entire countenance was blissfully lost.

The month of April nearly undid me. It may sound histrionic–I have come to believe that everything I write surely does–but there is no plainer way to say it. I have not cried like that since I was a little girl. Lying there motionless, like some child from a nightmare, I prayed to nothing for the feeling to pass. My bedroom was soaked with foreign blood, haunted by traces of narcotics and a rusted razor, and there was no one there to keep me from turning that hateful thing upon myself–but I did not, I did not. I knew no place where I could sleep that night: I sought solace from the few who might have been able to help me, and they failed to do so, and I refuse to blame them for that. Maybe they just did not understand. It hardly matters now. I had absolutely no one, I was utterly alone in that way that I fear, but I kept myself sane anyways. I survived that bare-skin horror-show scene, just as I am surviving all of the strange and sorrowful days that have followed. Maybe we can all heal now.

I decided that things needed to change, and I could no longer wait for a catalyst. And I did it, I really did. After half a week of endless nights and wretched mornings, of episodes so terrible that they made me feel sixteen again, I am finally ready to step outside once more. My limbs still shake, my head still sears, and my skin is still a nightmare of bruises. But my blood and my conscience are finally clean. I have faced a kind of hell, and though I am changed, I am yet living. How many others like me can say the same?

This is all just language. This is not the flesh that your eyes have cut so deeply. Why would you care? Why would anyone? But at any rate,  it is getting better. I am not well, not even close, but I think that I am stronger now. I am catching the faintest glimpses of what I have not felt in so long, the fleeting affirmations of sensation, the transient joy of being here at all–no, no this is real–and that must count for something.

I am carving a new and better space for it, for me, this writer-user-lover-addict, imprecise and genderless and never meant to survive. Lazarus form, Tiresian mind, Electra heart, Orphean soul—still lost, sometimes living, I shatter on. I am Icarus in flames, my burning body a testament to my father’s failures. Always relentlessly enduring, I am consumed within the labyrinth of a past where mind and memory meet in mechanical discord. I am nowhere close to apologizing.

If I run out of things to write about, then I will run out of things to live for, and I am not yet ready for that.

April is over and I am alive. I can only hope that is enough.